


Miu Iruma's Experience with Childcare

by Asciel



Category: New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Comedy, Gen, kind of a crack fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-01
Updated: 2017-03-01
Packaged: 2018-09-27 14:31:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10025687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Asciel/pseuds/Asciel
Summary: Miu Iruma is paid to do a five-hour course on parenting with a classroom full of soon-to-be parents.This can only go so well.





	

“Alright, motherfuckers, listen the HELL up because I’m only gonna repeat this shit once! Ya hear me!?”

 

Miu Iruma’s voice echoed around the room, loud and dominating. It was inescapable. It was everywhere. Even people outside in the hallway could hear the profanity she was spewing from her mouth.

 

Miu stood at the front of the classroom, hands on her hips. Her blonde hair was flying in all directions, and her blue eyes were full of… something. The terrified, soon-to-be parents sitting in rows in front of her were holding onto their plastic practice baby dolls and looked completely terrified.

 

“Um…” One scared woman with a very pregnant belly raised a hand. She looked incredibly nervous, and her hand was visibly shaking. “Is this the right course?”

 

“Huh? Of COURSE it fucking is! What does this look like, a sex toy shop? Then again, I'm here, so I guess it does look like one! Hahahaha!” No one else laughed at her joke. Miu's face fell and she shook her head. “Fuckin’ hell, you guys are even worse than the retards I had in here earlier! If I wasn’t getting paid to do this, I would be outta here so fast they’d start callin’ me the Human Bullet!”

 

No one in the room knew how to respond to that. They just looked at each other, terrified and confused, as the shouting dominatrix at the front of the room started the lecture.

 

“Now shut the hell up before I get pissed off!” Slamming a hand on the desk, Miu made everyone jump. She grinned a little bit, and stood up straight, looking over at everyone with a skeptical glare. “Now I’m gonna teach you how to not kill a baby.”

* * *

 

“Okay, so the first thing you gotta know is that to feed a baby you gotta whip out ya tit every now and then to feed it,” Miu began. “Allow me to demonstrate for the retards in the front row.”

* * *

 

Miu had to stop the lesson for a two-hour session at the counsellor’s office (they had said something about ‘inappropriate workplace behaviour’ and ‘a weird BDSM-flavoured get-up isn’t a suitable outfit for this job’ and ‘why the hell are you even here?’, but Miu wasn’t listening because listening is for LOSERS).

 

“I’m back, sluts!” she screamed as she walked inside the course again.

 

Immediately every soon-to-be parent stopped talking and just stared in fear. A lot of pregnant women put their hands on their bumps to stop the rabid sex demon from corrupting their child from the womb.

 

“Ya know what, I don’t get paid enough for this shit,” Miu snapped, looking at all of them. “I come in here, I pull my titties out, I show them off, and you guys start screaming about how I’m ‘lewd’ and shit. Christ, you all need to toughen the fuck up, or your babies will be fuckin’ pussies too!”

 

No one in the class was dumb enough to try and say anything.

 

“Fuck this shit,” Miu continued, her voice incredibly loud and cacophonic. “Honestly, fuck this. I’m getting paid like eight bucks to do this. I’m a world-class inventor, who the fuck pays me to handle shit about babies? They’re gross and they scream a lot. I’ve had too many sexual encounters involving screaming and gross shit, I’m tired of it. Do you guys have any questions or something? Because if not I’m fucking leaving you hoes.”

 

There was a long, long pause. And then one parent near the back - clearly terrified - who raised his hand, trembling.

 

“Eh? The fuck do you want?” Miu asked.

 

“Uh… y-yeah, I just have a question about baby formula -”

* * *

 

The fire department didn't come for two hours. Apparently they thought that Miu’s call was a prank phone call and had ignored it.

 

(Then again, she’d literally just screamed ‘I BURNT THE BABY FORMULA AND NOW MY CLASSROOM IS ON FIRE’, so it’s understandable why they’d think that.)

 

Apparently you could burn baby formula. At least you could now.

 

Miu got eight dollars from working as an instructor in the baby-care course, and she was forced to spend that eight dollars given to her by the hospital so she could pay for it to be fixed. Miu, being Miu, said ‘FUCK THAT’, and bought a sundae from McDonald’s instead.

 

And she never went back to the remains of the burnt-down hospital again.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading - I hope you enjoyed it!


End file.
